The one you've all been waiting for!

3rd September 2014 - The day we flew to Rhodes. Once again, we needed an escape from everyday life and the misery we were feeling following our miscarriage. We had decided for the first time since we started IVF that we needed a proper break. No more waiting for 3 periods and getting back into it. No more putting life on hold. No more hormones. We had had an appointment with Anne and she agreed that I wasn't in the frame of mind for another cycle. She told us that, had we not come to that conclusion ourselves, she would have advised the unit that she didn't think I was mentally prepared to try again and we wouldn't have been allowed to do it anyway.

What I haven't mentioned is that for every cycle, every transfer, every little thing that was done, we had to fill in millions of consent forms. We had to consent to them using our eggs and sperm, recovering my eggs, transfer of any embryos and even what we would do with any frozen embryos should our partner die!! Its all very closely monitored and should any medical professional deem you unfit to become a parent at any time, that was it! All very complicated stuff!

So off we went to Rhodes. We booked an amazing hotel with a swim up room straight across from the pool bar! We read books, got drunk, slept and generally escaped the pain of the last few years for a wee while.

We had been asked to be a best man/bridesmaid at Adam's cousins wedding in Cyprus the following month and right up until our miscarriage we didn't know if we would make it. Obviously everyone was hoping we wouldn't because it meant I would be pregnant but it was breaking our hearts to have those closest to us affected once again by our situation.

We booked up our flights to Cyprus and a few weeks after we returned from Rhodes we were off again with the rest of our family to celebrate.

It was a bittersweet time. We were obviously delighted to be there to share their day but being there meant our dreams had failed yet again and the life we hoped for when we got married felt so far away.

With smiles painted firmly in place we laughed and drank and celebrated but inside we struggled.

The wedding day was amazing.  I was so honoured to be there and actually surprised myself by how relaxed I managed to feel but by the time it was over, the mind clouds returned and I needed to get home. Needed a break from putting on a show that had become second nature.

We requested an appointment at the recurrent miscarriage clinic and because we didn't have any proof of our first miscarriage prior to our infertility struggles, we really had to fight to be seen (you need to have had 3 recorded miscarriages before they will see you).

We needn't have bothered though as nothing new was found and so nothing new could be tried. We were no further forward.

We also felt that we had lost a little faith in the Consultant overseeing our treatment at Dundee and so we were offered a review with one of the other Doctors. She read over our records and was happy that everything had been done as it should and the only other suggestion was to use donor sperm. We still had 2 frozen embryos and still wanted a child that was 50:50 us and so we decided at that stage this wouldn't be an option.

By this time, it was late November and so having felt like we had had a long enough break we agreed that we would proceed with a further frozen transfer in the New Year.

With another 6-8 weeks left of our "break" we did what we do best; we went on holiday again!

We had wanted to go to New York at Christmas for so long and so that's what we did! At least one dream was going to come true that year!

New York was a bit of a turning point in my mind and I told Adam I would try one more transfer and if this one didn't work, it was time to move on with our life and find new ways to make us happy. After all, if it was just the two of us forever, it wasn't all that bad.

Adam agreed but I think we were both so beaten at this point that we just couldn't see any other solution. It felt like we had finally given up and accepted that we would never have the family we longed for.

We started treatment in the New Year with a bit of a heavy heart just anxious to get it over and done with and to move on one way or another.

Maureen carried out our transfer on 5th March 2015 and the Embryologist pretty much told us she didn't expect much but "we would see what happened"!

We headed home once again to await our fate!

Just 5 days later, and feeling some familiar feelings, I took a test just before Adam came home from work. It was of course very early and expectations were definitely not high but there on the stick was the faintest of lines and once again we were pregnant.

I decided to take the next 2 weeks off work to give our "last chance" everything we had and waited anxiously for our early pregnancy scan.

It was mothers day just after our official test day and so I did a test and wrapped it up for my mum. I didn't want our anxiety to ruin the precious moments of telling our parents they were going to have another grandchild and so we let down our guard and tried to enjoy our good news.

A week before my scan, I went for breakfast with one of my good friends. We had full English breakfasts but instead of my usual runny eggs, I had hard boiled ones! I was finally enjoying the side effects of pregnancy!!

We went back to her house and I soon started to feel some other familiar feelings. Cramp! I ignored them for a while but within an hour, I was sitting on her toilet in hysterics and bleeding so heavy that once again, I knew I was losing our baby.

My parents came to pick me up and Adam made his way home from work. I was so unbelievably heartbroken and also so embarrassed that my friend had had to witness what she did.

Only recently my mum told me that, in the car on the way home that day, I said to her "I wanted them all, but I really wanted this one"! That must have really broke her heart.

I remember crying and saying how I was only kidding that I was sad I couldn't have runny eggs! I didn't mean it and now I was being punished for being so ungrateful! Totally irrational but that's the place my head was in.

Everyone wanted me to phone out of hours but I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't need anyone to tell me what I already knew.

I eventually gave in and phoned to satisfy everyone else and they asked me up to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. It was almost 5pm on a Saturday and the staff were starting to head home. Not one of them were prepared to stay behind to scan me and so I was asked to come back the next day. Desperate for some answers, I asked to be examined and they found my cervix closed. I didn't understand what that meant. They didn't explain it either.

We had obviously been fitted in on the Sunday and the Sonographer clearly wasn't best pleased but I couldn't have cared less at that point because she put the gel on, located the sac and right there on the tiny black and white screen was the flicker of a heartbeat!!

We were still pregnant!!

We were elated!!

By the time we attended Dundee for our early scan with them, we were still pregnant!! Maureen did our scan and was delighted to inform us "this one is a keeper"! It was so special to share this moment with someone who had become so important to us and all 3 of us were in tears for the right reason this time! And it's not everyday you can say you were officially impregnated by a woman called Maureen!

And by our 12 week scan, that heartbeat was still going strong and finally, we were having a baby!!

We spent the rest of that day planning our official Facebook announcement lol!!!