Heart Broken

29th July 2015 - the day our world changed forever.

Rewinding back a little, we spent weeks 12 - 20 of our pregnancy fully embracing every second! Once we had our 12 week scan and everything was as it should be, we really settled into enjoying being pregnant, after all it would most likely be the only time that we would experience it.

Apart from the bleed at 6 weeks and feeling sick pretty much all the time up until 18 weeks, my pregnancy was "textbook"! I was loving every bout of sickness and heartburn feeling that little bit more reassured that these were all positive signs! I couldn't wait for my bump to show and actually look pregnant! 

Although we were fully immersed in this whole new world that we had longed for, we still remained slightly apprehensive knowing that good luck rarely ever lasts with us. And we were right!

We had our 20 week anomaly scan on 7th July but the Sonographer couldn't get a good view of the heart so we were asked to come back a few weeks later.  I wasn't even slightly concerned as they reassured us that this was common and was purely down to the angle the baby was lying in.

I was quite happy to go back; it meant we would get another look at our precious cargo!

We went back for our scan on 29th July and within seconds I could tell that something was wrong.  She told us she couldn't see all 4 chambers of the baby's heart and asked us to wait while she got someone to double check. I burst into tears immediately knowing that bad news was coming.

A second scan confirmed what she had told us. They thought there was a problem with the heart but would prefer a Consultant to have a better look. Unfortunately we would have to come back two days later on the Friday.  As soon as we got out of the hospital, I did what everyone does, I started to Google heart anomalies at 23 weeks! I then drove myself insane for the next 2 days. 

We met with a really lovely Consultant and again he confirmed that there was an issue with the heart but that he wasn't sure exactly what it was. He wanted to refer us to a Specialist in Foetal Medicine in Glasgow and he phoned them there and then for an appointment.  

From my knowledge of how the NHS works (I work in a GP Practice) I knew if a Consultant was making his own call with us there in the room that this was serious. They arranged an appointment for us on the Monday and sent us home full of questions and heartache. 

The next week was by far the worst time of my life and an experience that I will never forget. 

We attended Glasgow on the Monday and was given a detailed heart scan with the Specialist Consultant and a Paediatric Cardiologist. The scan took a good half hour and they didn't say much to us the whole time. 

Once the scan was complete, the asked us to wait in what we now refer to as the "bad news room" until they had a chat about the results.

The room was grim at best. It consisted of a small round table with a box of tissues and 4 chairs. We waited for what seemed like an eternity before the 2 Doctors came back. The first Doctor proceeded to tell us that our precious longed for baby had a serious heart condition. The Cardiologist explained that part of the heart had not grown and therefore in basic terms meant it only had half a heart.

We didn't know what this meant but it didn't sound good.

She drew us a picture of how a heart should look and how our baby's heart was. They explained that there was a good chance this baby would only survive a few hours to days after birth.

I crumbled. 

My heart was also broken.

Somehow I managed to stop crying long enough for them to explain that if we went ahead with the pregnancy, our baby would need open heart surgery within 24 hours of birth with a further 2 open heart surgeries within the first 5 years.

Eventually, they would require a heart transplant.

In short, our baby would be born with a "life limiting" condition. There is no cure. 

This also meant that there was a high chance of our baby having a chromosomal abnormality such as Down's Syndrome or Patau's Syndrome.

They advised an amniocentesis which they would perform there and then. 

I didn't have one early in my pregnancy because of the risk of miscarriage and I naively thought whatever would be would be and yet suddenly here I was lying on a bed having just been told my baby would likely die and about to have a huge needle stuck in my womb!

My head was burling. 

I didn't know that amino was much safer later in pregnancy as they can see where everything is better as the baby grows. We had it done and were sent home to await our fate.

We called our parents on the way home and asked them to meet us at our house. They knew something was wrong but we didn't want to explain this by phone.  We didn't speak much on the way home and when we got there my mum and dad were waiting. We wanted to hold off until Adam's mum arrived so that we could tell them all together and not have to go through it twice.

We explained what we had been told and everyone was devastated. I felt like I was letting them all down all over again.

Everyone had so many questions but we didn't have the answers. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I was full of love and hurt and couldn't understand why this was happening to us. Hadn't we been through enough already? 

We had to wait until the Friday for the results and to be honest, that week is a blur. I can remember it feeling like Friday was never coming and of course I wasn't at work so there was a lot of crying and waiting.

On the Wednesday, we got a phone call to say our Nephew had been born. Adam's cousin and his wife (the ones who got married in Cyprus) had another little boy.  His mum and I were so close. It was a dream come true to be pregnant together and know we would share our maternity leave doing all the mummy things we had talked about for years. They didn't know what was going on with us as we didn't want to tell anyone until we knew for sure ourselves. That day was so bittersweet and I hate myself for not being as happy as I should have been. 

We had an appointment with the Consultant who had referred us to Glasgow the next morning and so we asked to visit the new baby just after that.  When we arrived at the hospital, we were immediately shown to another "bad news room" where the Consultant talked us through the process of termination of pregnancy at 24 weeks. He explained that they would insert a needle into our baby's heart and stop it then I would give birth to a sleeping baby.

Hold on a minute!! Termination? Sleeping babies? We didn't even have the full results yet! This was not a conversation I was ready to have. It was the total opposite of everything we had been trying to do for the last 5 years!

We agreed that we would wait for the results of the amino before making any further decisions. And off we set to meet our new nephew.

It was still very early in the day and we didn't stay long but he was so precious. The funny thing about our whole journey was that I never really got jealous or upset about babies close to me. They were part of my life and I loved them. It was always strangers with babies that affected me most.

Eventually Friday arrived and we spent most of the day lying on top of the bed waiting for the phone call. I don't know if I wanted to hear what they had to say or not.

The phone rang just after 4 and I answered immediately.  The lady was so lovely and got straight to the point.  No abnormalities found. Apart from its heart condition, our baby was perfectly healthy. 

And it was a girl!

I came off the phone and Adam said to me "I was right eh?". What he meant was he was right that we were having a girl. I said yes and he broke down in tears. My heart burst.

We knew there and then that we would give everything we had for our daughter! She was our world and we would do anything to protect her and so the fight began.