Here we go again!

Can you see it?!

13th January 2014 - 1st day of 4th cycle (3rd full cycle). By now you know the deal! Injections, actions scans, trigger shots and egg collection. Coming round from sedation to be told we had collected 23 eggs should have been music to my ears but I knew this meant we had hyperstimulated once again and would have to freeze the embryos that fertilised! More waiting!

I've said before that I was only happy when we were going through a cycle but that doesn't mean those times were easy. Hormones are not easy, emotions are not easy and inserting pessaries in manky portaloo's at Rod Stewart concerts is not easy but I was in control at these times and I like to be in control!

One thing I was never in control of what how many eggs would fertilise and so again we awaited the call from the clinic with our news.  From 23 eggs 7 were fertilised. They managed to freeze 4. Not a bad effort, at least we had enough for a few more cycles.

The waiting between cycles is the worst part for me. I am impatient. I was also in despair. I was neither pregnant nor cycling and so I was just there! Stuck! Not able to be happy and not able to be productive.

During this wait, my nephew was born.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't  worried about how I would feel seeing him in the flesh.  I was so excited to be an aunty and I hoped my own situation wouldn't overshadow my joy. I needn't have worried. My heart felt joy for the first time in a long time when I finally met him.

He was a little premature and had some issues which saw him being taken to the Children's Hospital in Glasgow. His mummy had a section and couldn't go with him so while my brother spent time with his son, I took my turn sitting with my sister-in-law in hospital. Those hours passed so slowly and I desperately wanted to do as much as I could to help them but sitting in a maternity ward for hours broke my heart.

I did what I always do; I painted on my smile and got through it without anyone knowing how bad I felt. I did this all through our treatment and probably still do; I always try to protect everyone else from seeing and feeling my pain so that they don't need to feel it too.

Three more periods, a trip to York and a Michael Buble concert later and it was time to prepare for our next frozen transfer.

It took 6 weeks from starting my nasal spray to the date of transfer on 5th June 2014. One embryo didnt survive the thawing process, they transferred one and two remained in storage.

The transfer procedure never fails to amaze me. Watching them transfer those embryos always filled me with so much love and hope. They were proof that we could make a baby and now it was up to my body yet again to do its job.

And 6 days later (impatient as always) we were pregnant!! I took the test early for the first time because I had always waited before and didn't see the point waiting this time. We still had to wait the full 2 weeks before we could officially phone the clinic with our result and I think I tested every single day just to make sure it was still there!

Our early pregnancy scan was booked for 2 weeks time and the closer it got, the less pregnant I felt! I know how silly this sounds and maybe it was my body's way of preparing me for what was coming but I knew even before they told me that we had lost this baby too. There was no heartbeat. This time it took me a few minutes before I broke down.

We had requested our favourite Nurse to do our scan. Her name is Maureen and she always made me feel so safe. I couldn't look her in the eyes at that moment because I knew her heart broke for us too. I will never ever be able to thank her enough for her support and our journey through IVF was made so much better with her holding our hand.

We drove home yet again empty apart from the standard miscarriage information leaflets we had been given and yet there was nothing standard about this situation. It hurt so bad. 

We had decided that we would not go down the surgical route of removing our "products of conception" and instead wait it out and let nature take its course. I knew what was ahead but I knew I could get through it and the pain was almost like my body saying goodbye.

After 2 days of nothing but waiting to "lose" our baby, I contacted the ward to arrange surgical removal. I felt so desperate at that point to just have it over with that all rationale was gone.

They couldn't give me an appointment for a couple of days and I'm so glad now as the next day I started to bleed.

I was so determined not to have the same experience as before and so Adam and I went shopping! We bought new pyjamas, magazines and snacks and then we went home changed the bedding to nice fresh sheets and I had a shower. We got into bed together and watched crap tv while my body finally did what it was meant to do.

Oh the irony!!