3rd Time Lucky???
We started the injections once again and were booked in for an action scan on 2nd September 2013. I was injecting twice a day and hoping my body was responding in a more positive way and I didn't feel quite so bad this time round. Our action scan showed only 1 good sized follicle and a few smaller ones developing but all in all, the clinic were happy with this. To me, it didn't seem much considering the previous collection had produced many many more and led to 21 eggs being collected however, I had complete trust in them that they knew what they were doing and afterall, I had over stimulated last time so maybe this was a much more normal number.
Over the next few days, a few more follicles began to grow and we were sent home again with our instructions for our HCG "trigger" injection which again had to be given 35.5 hours before egg collection. The egg collection was scheduled for 10th September, only 2 weeks after we initialy started. I was liking how quick this cycle was progressing and was filled with hope that it would be successful given that it was so different from the previous.
We attended as before, early in the morning, hungry from fasting, and excited to see how many eggs we would get! I was gowned up, drugged up and wheeled away to theatre to have my poor old ovaries poked and proded yet again. Adam took himself off to produce his sample in preparation!!
When I came round from the anaesthetic, they told me they had collected 5 eggs (we had 21 from the first cycle). I was devastated. Now I know that 5 is better than none, and I know that it only takes 1 and all the other things people say to make you feel better but for me, having put my body through hell yet again, I felt like I had failed once again.
Still raw from the miscarriage, I could feel this cycle slipping away and I was so upset. They phoned the next morning to say that 4 of the 5 eggs had been injected (with the sperm) and that we could proceed with my first fresh transfer on day 5.
Embryos are transferred on different days depending on the quality and how they develop. Day 3 transfer is usually when there are limited numbers of embryos available and so the best quality are selected for transfer and the rest are usually not considered suitable for freezing. (This is the information I was given and could vary from clinic to clinic).
Day 5 is my clinic's preferred day of transfer and is called the blastocyst stage. These embryos have developed a bit further and are usually transferred as a single transfer, resulting in lower risks of multiple pregnancies. Again the best quality are selected and the remaining embryos are frozen for future use.
Although we had a low number of embryo's available, it was decided to let them go to day 5 and transfer the number, if any, blastocysts remaining. I was a little apprehensive and felt that the best place for them would be in my tummy, however once they explained that they would have a better idea of quality on day 5, I was happy to go along with their recommendation.
On 15th September, we found ourselves sitting once again in our wee cupboard, gowned up awaiting the embryologist to let us know how many of our embryos had survived and how many would be transferred.
2! 2 embryos survived and 2 would be transferred. I knew this meant they didn't think the quality was that great and there certainly wouldn't be any remaining for freezing but I was still full of wishful thinking as I hopped up on to the bed, holding Adam's hand, and watched in awe and my 2 wee embryos were placed back home where they belong.
The "2 week wait" begun and for some people, this period is torture, but for me, I was just happy to be oblivious to whatever the result would be and happy in the knowledge that, at that time, I was carrying our precious cargo.
I spent the next week happy in my wee bubble, inserting pessaries left right and centre and keeping literally everything crossed for our test date.
The day after my birthday, 8 days after transfer, I had niggling period-like pains. Obviously, I had experienced implantation pains when I was pregnant in the last cycle and so I tried to convince myself once again, a positive result was coming.
I went home for lunch to see my Mum and Gran and by this time, the pains were getting stronger. I knew something wasn't right. I went to the loo and here was some light spotting so I phoned the ward for advice. They reassured me that this was quite common and told me to wait and see.
By the time I returned to work, I was bleeding heavily and I knew this was the end yet again.
I share an office with my manager but the people I work with are also my good friends. She knew I had been through this cycle as I had obviously needed time off work and I'm sure she knew instantly that something was wrong. I burst into tears and cried so hard. No one but Adam had ever seen me cry so hard.
I am lucky to work alongside my best friend who was on hand to give me a cuddle and try and sooth me, but still hurting from the miscarriage, and feeling extremely vulnerable having broken down at work, there was no helping me. They phoned Adam and took me home.
Another cycle; failed.
My body; failed.
This was the point in our journey where I had had enough. This was me finally broken.
I spent the next few weeks trying to make sense of everything we had been through. We attended counselling with Anne and arranged a review appointment with our Consultant. None of these things helped and I was in a pretty dark place.
During your treatment cycle, you don't tend to see the Consultants that much. Most of the care is done by the Nurses on the ward and by this time, we were pretty close to them. The Nurses and Anne became part of our wee family, and they felt every loss and every failure with us.
The Consultant on the other hand was pretty matter of fact and to be honest, I wasn't that thrilled to be seeing her. It felt so impersonal and for the first time, I felt like just another number after our review with her.
Feeling unsatisfied with her summary of, the first cycle you over stimulated, the second you were under stimulated and so next time we will try somewhere in the middle, I decided to write to her once again with some questions of my own.
I waned to know what dose of medication they would use for future cycles, and why the cycle wasn't abandoned given the limited number of follicles on the actions scans. Apparently a cycle is abandoned if less than 3 follicles are measuring over 17mm by the egg retrieval or if they stop growing but given that I only had 1 good sized one, and several smaller ones, I felt I was robbed of a cycle, robbed of an opportunity and I was angry.
We had paid for our first cycle and first frozen transfer. This cycle had been NHS funded and now we only had one remaining funded cycle available.
We had to wait again for 3 periods before we could try again, and with hindsight, we should have probably waited a little bit longer but by this time, I was desperate. I was in deep despair and the only way I could see out of it was to get pregnant.
I used to say to Anne that I wished time could stand still sometimes just so that I could have time to think. But the world kept going, people kept living and I kept spiralling further and further into the sadness I felt. Adam was so worried about me, I know there were days he was scared to come home, and I felt unable to reassure him because I didn't know myself how I would get through each day.
It was a lonely time. I painted a smile on my face, I went to work, I saw my friends and family, but inside I was numb. I felt like such a failure, to my husband, to my family, to myself. Nothing brought me joy.
We booked a last minute holiday to Florida a few weeks later in November. It was exactly what we needed. I needed a break and we needed some time as a couple. I think we never really stopped to think about what we had gone through and now it was catching up with us. The only problem with Florida is that it is full of families, families fulfilling their dreams, wishing on stars and believing in magic; I was not fulfilling dreams and the magic had definitely lost its spark.
We returned home to a letter from the clinic with instructions for starting our next cycle with my January period. A few weeks and we could start all over again. And in those few weeks, there was light at the end of the tunnel once again.
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