Another "bump" in the road!
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| Spot the Embryo! |
Having gotten over the disappointment of our failed cycle safe in the knowledge that not many couples are successful first time and that we had our wee frozen embryos we felt ready to get on with it and finally make a baby!
We had paid for our first cycle whilst we were on the waiting list for NHS treatment and so we had to pay again for this frozen transfer. In our health board are at that time, we were incredibly lucky to be entitled to 2 cycles of treatment however the waiting time was 18 months and so we borrowed the money to pay for treatment while we waited - we felt it would be money well spent and we were in a fortunate position that we were able to do this.
A frozen cycle is different from a fresh cycle in that we already had the frozen embryos so we didnt need to go through the process of injecting and growing follicles etc so we went straight to nasal spray, HRT and Progesterone pessaries as before. This meant the cycle was obviously a lot quicker and by 24th April we were on route to Dundee for our second embryo transfer. The only difference this time was that 2 embryos were being implanted and we lost the last remaining one during the thawing process.
Just like the time before, we sat in our cupboard, gowned up, bladder full, and again excited at the prosepct of finally getting pregnant! And possibly with twins this time!! My imagination was already bringing home 2 babies!!
We were taken through to theatre, the washing of the lady bits was complete, transfer tube was inserted and the hatch was opened! Our 2 embryos were implanted and off we went once more amazed by the whole process and sure this was our time!
During this cycle, one of my good friends at work announced her pregnancy. I knew she had been hoping to get pregnant but it still came as a massive surprise when she told me! She was so kind and thoughtful and came and told me before she announced it because she didn't want to upset me! To my surprise, I was instantly happy for her! I was so touched at the way she had treated me and so happy for her and secretly hoping we would now go through it all together. I was a little sad, but not for me; I was sad that her amazing news was a little bit overshadowed because of our situation and I just felt so guilty for that even though she was amazing about it!
I did cry a little when I got home!
Anyway our 2 week wait passed slowly! We tried to keep busy and enjoy our secret while patiently awaiting test day! Once again I felt pregnant! But this time I was more wise and knew that was probably the medication.
The night before "test day" I decided we should do it early. If it was negative, I wanted time to process that before I had to phone the ward and tell other people. We were both working the next day too so if it was positive, I wanted time to enjoy it before Adam had to rush off to work!
I had brought a few tests home from work courtesy of one of our Nurses and for some daft reason I didnt want to use the one the ward had given me until official test day! Made sense to me at the time!
To be honest, what happened next went by in a bit of a blur and now I have trouble remembering clearly but finally there were 2 blue lines appearing, a sight we had never seen before, and at last we were having a baby (or 2)!!!
We were in total shock! We laughed and cried and then ran to Tesco for digital tests just to confirm it cos if it wasn't there in words, it might not have been real!!
It was real!!!! We did it!!! We didnt hesitate to tell our parents. Our bad luck had finally passed and we were finally going to have the family we had hoped for!! I couldn't wait to phone the ward the next day! I did their test first thing as instructed and looked at it the whole time as I dialled the number just in case it disappeared!
The Nurse I spoke with was delighted! She congratulated me on my pregnancy (oh yes!!) and booked me in for an early scan at 6 weeks!
We spent the next two weeks planning maternity leave, looking at furniture, and picking names (although I knew what our girl would be from day one) but now I might need two, what name went with the one I chose, what if it was boys, I didnt have any boys names!
I was as they say "living the dream"!
On 28th May, we drove the familiar road to Dundee knowing this would be the last time we would drive it just the 2 of us and practically danced our way down the neverending corridor eager to get the first glimpse of our baby (babies)!!
Even when the Nurse called our name and I saw it was one we didnt have much rapport with, I didnt care! I was pregnant and about to see my baby for the very first time!
I dropped my drawers and positioned myself on the bed quicker than I ever had before! The Nurse explained that she might take a second to find the sac and not to worry and then she got down to business.
I was holding Adam's hand so tight and watching the screen patiently. It did take a little while for her to find the sac but that was expected so I didn't worry. Until I looked at her face.
In that second I knew. My baby was gone.
She said she was so sorry, there was no heartbeat, and the baby had stopped growing. I will never forget that moment, the look on her face, the words she said, or the pain I felt. I had never felt anything like it.
I looked at Adam and he was crushed. He was trying to be brave, for himself, for me. His face tipped me over the edge and I was inconsolable.
The Nurse left us alone and let me get dressed. Neither of us really spoke. I just wanted to get out of there.
But of course they can't just let you leave. We had to wait to speak to the Consultant about what happens next. They have to inform you of your choices; let things happen naturally (miscarriage) or surgical removal. Then they have to arrange for you to come back for a follow-up scan just to be sure you're baby is totally gone (as if life wasn't cruel enough).
I didnt really hear much of what was said, I knew I would just let nature take its course and so I took the leaflets and we drove home.
See the thing is, I knew people lost babies. I knew it happened more often than we care to think about. But I didnt know you could lose a baby and not know you had lost it! Where was the tummy cramps? Where was the bleeding? Damn Progesterone still making me feel pregnant! How did I not know?
Well I did know. I knew 5 days later when on 2nd June 2013 I suffered my first miscarriage (we think there was one a few years back but because we didn't realise it at the time, apparently it doesn't count).
The sun was shining and I had spent the last few days moping and waiting. We decided to spend some time in the garden and so while Adam treated the decking, I began painting the fence.
After an hour or so, I began to cramp. I felt the first flow of blood and knew what was about to happen.
I went upstairs alone, sat on the toilet in our ensuite and passed the sac containing our baby (technically still an embryo but a baby to me). I didn't know what to do so I flushed the toilet, took a shower and got into bed.
Adam eventually came looking for me and found me in agony crying with the pain. He got me some painkillers and a hot water bottle and I spent the next few hours going back and forwards to the toilet losing a little bit more of my hopes and dreams each time.
My heart was broken and I didn't know if it would ever feel whole again.
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