It's Me, Lucy!

12th June 2020 - When we woke up, I made Adam phone the bedside for an update! I can't make these calls because I couldn't bear to hear any bad news which is totally irrational as they would have contacted us first! I arrived in PICU at 7 a.m. I couldn't bear to be away from her any longer. They had hoped to bring her back from surgery off the ventilator but because of her lung pressures, this hadn't been possible.  Although it was only 12 hours since she came back from theatre, I couldn't help but feel that things weren't going to go as smoothly as we hoped. Surgery days are long but days spent in PICU are excruciating. You are living on your last nerve the whole time, watching screens and numbers and praying the next alarm to sound doesn't belong to yours.  There are 3 other kids in the PICU bay with Lucy. All cardiac kids. And you feel every single bit of what those parents are going through - like a team even though you've only passed a cursory nod t...

11th June 2021 - Adam and I had breakfast in the hospital restaurant. It was around 9 a.m. at this point and we knew surgery would last well into the afternoon. We had a room in the hotel across the road and so we headed back there so that I could shower.  We then wandered around the local Sainsburys and Dobbie's, hearts in our mouth, tear stained faces but with no where else to go (everything was still closed at that time). We could have gone home given that we only live 40 minutes away but any more than a few minutes was too far for us. We spent the rest of the afternoon wandering aimlessly around the hospital. Time was going on and although they had told us Covid procedures meant surgeries would take longer than normal, panic was beginning to set in.  We hadn't heard anything at all since 8.30 a.m. and by about 4 p.m. it was all getting too much to bear.  We sat downstairs in the main hospital atrium, watching people come and go as clinics ended and things got quieter....

10th June 2020 - Lucy and I arrived on the ward. We were given a room at the very end.  I was feeling so overwhelmed and struggling to hold it together for Lucy’s sake when one of the ward Sisters arrived.  She could clearly see that I was struggling and suggested a Student Nurse sit with Lucy while we had a "wee chat".  She didn’t really have anything to chat about but I was so grateful for those few minutes to just let it all out and compose myself before going back to Lucy. Over the next few hours, Nurses popped in for this and that, dinner arrived and then the Surgeon, consent forms in hand. Lucy’s Surgeon is the kindest most gentle man. He immediately makes me feel safe and the fact that he performed Lucy’s first surgery was so comforting. We had a chat, signed the forms, talked about the risk of death and then he was gone. Just like that. I’m sure they don’t hang around long enough to make any emotional attachment on purpose! Lucy and I spent the rest of the night p...

 17th December 2019 - We arrived early in the morning to the Children's Hospital so that Lucy could undergo a cardiac catheter. This would allow the Doctors to decide when would be a good time for her second open heart surgery (as if there is ever a good time).  We stayed at a nearby hotel overnight to make it a bit more of an adventure for Lucy as she was getting that bit older and starting to understand more.  When we arrived that morning we were told there were no beds in the PICU and so Lucy's catheter might not go ahead however while we waited, we were invited to sign the dreaded consent forms in preparation.  This is a job that somehow always falls on me and I've talked before about the guilt this brings with it.   A further chat with the Consultant and we were finally given the go ahead for theatre.  We were given a room and changed Lucy into her wee hospital gown.  We explained that she was going to get some superhero medicine that would g...

18 months. That's roughly how old Lucy was by the time I was seriously considering trying for another baby.  I say "I" because at that point, Adam was more than happy and content with our lot! That's not to say that I wasn't. I always said if we had one then I'd be happy. And I was. But my whole life, pre-infertility, I never wanted just one! I wanted a brood of kids. Or at least 2! The last 18 months of motherhood, although stressful, had been the best of my life. I felt like I was born to be a mummy. To be Lucy's mummy. And I felt like I was actually pretty good at it! Yes, we had been through hell with Lucy's surgery, and the worry of her condition would never go away, but we were still very much standing and learning to live the new life we had created. Adam was going to take some persuasion. We had talked on and off over the years about all things baby related. We never for a second had anticipated that the fertility treatment an...

We arrived at the now familiar hospital and found a parking space. Of all the things going on in my mind, I couldn't stop thinking that we only have 4 hours to park here without a ticket and we could be here for weeks! The walk to the ward was very surreal! There are clinics running as it's a Monday afternoon and yet as soon as you step into the lifts to the Wards, its like a whole different place.  There is a buzzer system into all children's wards in the hospital and so we waited to be let in. Luckily, all the wards also have single rooms with en-suites and a bed for one parent to stay, although they would sometimes let 2 stay with a bed made up in the playroom and I was so grateful that Adam could be with us. We were taken to our room and the rest of that day was pretty much hanging around with people coming and going sorting out her medications, feeding, taking her obs and generally popping in for a chat so we could get to know everyone who would be looking afte...

19th November 2015 - our first morning at home as a family! We had been discharged quite late the day before and so by the time we got home, had a quick dinner and a cuddle from the grandparents, it was time to settle down for our first night. Now I know most people say they sat up all night watching to make sure their wee ones were breathing etc but I'm almost ashamed to say that as soon as Lucy was asleep, Adam and I were out for the count too!  Waking up a couple of hours later to see her face next to me was amazing! I could hear her wriggle about as she stirred looking for her first feed. As Adam was still off work, he took her and changed her nappy and I settled myself in her nursery ready to feed. It all felt like a dream (and not just because of the sleep deprivation)! I think because we had been in hospital with Lucy for the last 8 days we already knew what to expect with her and had a bit of a routine with night feeds that we settled into it at home quite well an...